We sent Patty on a Spa trip to Mexico. We might have known the diet would suffer.
The Diet Diary got left in the taxi on the way to the airport. Normal service resumed as soon as VJ raises bail. Anyway here's what was on the answer machine...

Vinnie Junior are you there?

Listen very closely to me because what I've got to say is VERY important. I got news and its not good. Now pay attention and do not screw this up! Capiche?

Your fatha was arrested by the Policia down here in Acapulco. Thank Gawd he is alright (well at least I think he is). Your Pop was such a romantic last night. He made my heart flutter. He got down on his hands and knees and presented me with a second ring of engagement. It was a 2 carat pear shaped diamond in a high Tiffany setting with some beautiful baguettes. Then your father asked me very polite like, if I would care to join him for a wonderful dinner. I said " get up you stupid bachagaloupe, you will get your pants dirty! Of course I will gladly join you for dinner.

This Spa cuisine they are serving here at this hotel has been killing me. It's good for my diet but these portions are the size of cannoli, and a petite one at that! I'm sure that I lost a few pounds. They got shark and turtle on the menu. That right there is enough to curb my appetite.

Oh boy what I would do for some Fettuccini Alfredo right now. Could you believe they got us drinking tanker loads of water. I have no gripe drinking all that bottled water at least I have not gotten Montezuma's Revenge! They keep telling us that the more water we drink the more we clense our systems. Alright already though, I came here to loose a few pounds not to turn into the Hindenburg!

Well I about had it with the food and thought I was gonna die so I told dad I needed something normal to eat like some pasta. (Of course I never told him about those Baby Ruth bars I hid in the bathroom). Pop said since we are in Mexico let eat some of the local food. Oh my Gawd I thought, so we walked to one of the local restaurants.

At the entrance of the restaurant there were a slew of kids gathered around. I thought they were playing a game of some kind. (You know like when you and Mike play spin the bottle with those girls). Being of the inquisitive nature that I am, I asked some one what all the fuss was about? A lady told me that it was just a bunch of kids playing with some Billy goats. Oh, how delightful I thought and walked away. Well as long as they were having fun? Although I did not know what the big deal was?

We sat down at a table and I ordered a Chianti and your pop a frozen Margarita with all that salt around the edges.

I stared to look through the menu. You fatha looked at me and said, "What's the matter wich you Patty baby, you are turning green?" I pushed my menu right in his face. The special page read:

Especial Del Dia... Billy Goat Mole

I started to cry. Gosh I thought, the entrance of this restaurant was like picking your own lobster from a fish tank!

Your Pop said he would take care of this whole thing. He got up from the table and disappeared. Such a good man he is. I knew we should have just gone for a little pasta, but he wanted to eat the native food.

Well he was gone a long, long time so I started to get worried. I looked around the room to see if I could spot him and then my eye wandered toward the windas. Through the windas I could see two Policia handcuffing your fatha. I said Oh my goodness, what the hell happened.

I ran out the front Cantina door and saw the two Billy goats high tailing it down the dirt road and all the children running afta them. How beautiful was that I thought. I looked at Vinnie Senior and thought my hero. He just looked at me and said tiamo...tiamo! I flashed my new diamond ring of engagement at him and replied "tiamo..Tiami! I never realized till afta this ordeal that your fatha was being a genius. By letting those goats run away he was keeping me on my diet. Gee I thought, get your entree free and you can be as skinny as me!

Vinnie Junior now be a good boy and call Uncle Johnny and tell him from me that he has to Western Union $5000 immediately.

Are you paying attention to me?

Don't mess this up bambino or you will be in big trouble!

Wishing you was here, Chowbella,

Love, Mom. .